In Conversation With Marqueza

Marina Marqueza is one of my all-time favorite musicians in Salt Lake City. Not only are they incredibly strong and influential, but the level with which the little nuances of their emotions that show up within their voice and music leaves me feeling like I’m wrapped up within a whole new world. As I sat down and talked to them about issues surrounding being non-binary, a person of color, and being an artist in Utah, I was touched by the amount of wisdom they had to offer.

Q: Did we do percussion together in high school?

 A: I don’t know if we did, I also have the worst memory ever, stuff just kind of runs together. I think I remember seeing you in percussion. 

I think I remember you taking it the year after me. Cause I did percussion for a year, and then I think I remember you doing percussion after me. Anyways, on that note, with your beats in your music, did that kind of musicality start back then in high school?

Totally. That’s such a cool question; I hadn’t really thought about that. Yeah, I think so for sure. I had a really bad experience in public school, like in general, so like being in certain music classes and art classes, those gave me like the positive memories that I still hold on to. I think being in percussion in high school was just so healing like a visceral, physical thing. I think you remember being in percussion too. Hitting something, like you can’t think about anything else. It’s like your whole body’s involved in making that sound. 

I know you are non-binary now, but I remember back in high school, you were only the third female to enroll in that class. Which I thought was interesting. I remember this girl named Alex, who was the only girl in percussion when I started, and I just remember her walking around school with drum sticks sticking out of her school bag, and I thought, damn that is so cool I want to do that too. 

Actually I think I have always been non-binary, but because I was raised and socialized as a cisgender girl it makes sense that you perceived me that way. I realize now that before I had access to the language, or deeper understanding of gender I always felt that something was off about how I felt inside vs how I was categorized. I just never knew how to express it! What I loved about percussion though was that we were learning so many different instruments. I loved learning more about drums and drum sets, congas, and I loved the mallets too, but that was melodic. I really miss playing steel drums. 

Yeah! I loved the steel drums! 

 [Marina smiles as I give my best air drum actions, mimicking like I’m playing the steel drums.]

That’s so good.

I really appreciate you educating me, by the way. I’d hate to continue to be ignorant, so thank you. Also, I loved that because everyone is on a groove. Just everyone together is just like making this music, and you’re moving with it. I miss that, actually. 

Yeah, I miss it too. I continued to play some kind of drums in like random bands after I graduated, but I never had my own set. I got to play the drums if I was in a band that had a drum set.

What bands did you go through before you settled on this most recent project?

So many random ones. Ones I don’t even remember the names of, because I would just fill in for like a person for their show. But the main band I was in during high school, and college was called White Elephant. We all just listened to such different music, so when we came together, it was just something else. That band was really fun. That was the band that I did high school Battle of the Bands with and won a few years in a row. It was really fun. That’s like how we had the prizes to record. I actually still want to release that music. I want to put it on Soundcloud, cause I’m like really proud of that stuff. I was really young, but I had so much passion for it. All that stuff in high school, percussion, all the random bands I was playing in, jazz band, that all was totally my start. 

When you were talking about releasing those old songs from White Elephant, it reminded me of this Song Exploder segment, I listened to earlier today. It was about the song ‘Boyish’ by Japanese Breakfast. She was saying that the song was originally from her old band, Little Big League, and she asked the former bandmates if they wouldn’t mind her taking that song and like reviving it, and she did, and she ended up making it into something totally different. I kind of wonder if you could do something like that too, with those old songs. 

That’s totally something I’ve been thinking about for years. Like, I want to release them as they are, just so they’re out there, just because they never really got released anywhere. We just kind of recorded them and then went on our separate ways. I want to put them out, and then I kind of want to re-interpret them now because it’s been so many years.

Yeah, I just have so many ideas. I have like so much new music, but it’s been backed up, but it would be cool just to revive that old stuff. Almost to like, pay homage to like those beginning years. 

I think that’s beautiful, and I think that’s kind of perfect timing too. Because you have been playing music for a long time now, it’s been like a whole decade.

Yeah, I mean…depending on how you would define it. I would say a decade because even as a toddler, I was like singing and being annoying, but at some point, I started writing down words and like remembering them and recording them on Garageband or something. It’s technically been ten years. 

Oh, man, garage band. Nostalgic. What do you use now?

I use logic as software because that’s just how I learned. Before I ever got into software, I was just starting to play with, not just instruments, but with machines. I have this one drum machine/sampler that’s a chord EXS sampler, and that to me feels like the baby machine that like started everything else. That’s when I started playing around. I always felt like I was a singer, and I always wanted to focus more on my voice, but that’s when I felt like I could make music too.

That’s so cool. So, can I ask when you left the LDS church?

  Hahaha! That’s my answer. 

{laughs}

There wasn’t really like a day, or a certain place and time. 

Did you just slowly fade out of it?

Now that I think about it, I guess in some ways I slowly faded out, but maybe in some ways, it wasn’t. Because, when I was in the church, there was like a few years, in college especially, where my mind and my heart had already left, but I think when you’re in Utah, it’s kind of easy for that to be part of your routine. I started questioning it so early on as a kid that by the time I was in college, I was involved in all these fringe activist things within the church. It’s funny to think back on it now, but I definitely went through like a period of like not believing in it, but still feeling committed to it in some way and I wanted to change it for the better. Then I came to the point where I was like it’s just not my responsibility. Then I realized that this is just not something that I want to be a part of, and now I’m at a point where I haven’t had any involvement in the church for years. I’m still uncovering a lot of trauma, and a lot of damage that growing up in the church caused me. I’m still unpacking that. 

I do think that it’s beautiful for people to move through that kind of experience. Especially in a graceful way, like in the way you have. Being vulnerable and being influential. I think that’s really brave. Where did the influence of your newest album come from?

Orbit Pluto, I released on New Years of last year. More than influenced, that album was the end result of what I wanted to do ever since I was a kid. Like to have a physical cd, something I could say, I made that. That was just like a lifelong dream. It’s about a lot of things, but I came out as queer at the exact same time that I released it, at least like publicly. Which meant a lot to me, but at the same time, it became kind of complicated because I was already out to like the people in my life that were close to me. I think a lot of queer people struggle with the concept of coming out because it’s like a never-ending process for me anyway. I know that when I walk through the world, people are going to gender me without my consent, and it’s just the way that we’re socialized, to look at someone, and if they look a certain way, then they must be that way. I didn’t want to have a moment where I had to publicly come out because I don’t understand whose benefit that’s for. If I know who I am, why do I have to care so much what other people think? Orbit Pluto was about me being honest with myself, so it was less about coming out to the world and more about coming into myself. It sort of documents all the ups and downs, not just about gender, but of trying to understand who I really am. Now I’m working on new music that feels a little bit more rooted in where I came from. 

Listening to your set at your last show at Urban Lounge, I felt like I could totally hear and feel that journey, that natural progression. It was cool.

Thank you. I really appreciate that. That means a lot. 

You know, I’ll say it again too. You’re very fluid on the stage. Your performances really remind me of water.

I love that. That’s affirming because that’s how I feel. You know, even when I was done with Orbit Pluto, I was really exhausted. I was excited and proud, but I went through so much pain when it got done. It’s not just like feeling proud of this like end product; it’s like that journey to get to that point where I could release that on New Year’s Day 2019. Like, I cried so hard. I had never worked so hard on anything in my entire life. It meant so much to me that I finished it, no matter what. Even if I never make music again.

I think that’s so brave because I even struggle with releasing things that I create because it leaves you so vulnerable, you’re so naked. I think like being a person of color and being bi-sexual, and I think it’s something people can feel, and it just leaves a lot of things out in the open that they can nitpick, or make fun of, or screw around with.

It is, and I think that there’s just never going to be, for me, a point where I just feel a hundred percent confident or okay with it. I just reached a point where I couldn’t like half-ass it. It was so vulnerable and so scary for me to release for sure, but that’s like why even on the cover of Orbit Pluto, I am literally naked. I don’t have anything else on, and part of that is because when I was trying to think about what I wanted that artwork to look like, I was going through all these wardrobe ideas. Nothing made sense to me, because I didn’t want to wear anything that could be gendered in any way, and then I realized just the nature of the shape of my body it wouldn’t matter, people would still gender me. It wasn’t about other people, but I was like, what if I just don’t wear anything? Cause that’s the whole point. It’s scary to have my first album be something where I’m totally naked, but at the same time, now I feel like I can do anything because that was how I started and so whatever I release now will never be as scary as that first step. 

 [Empire Ants starts to play in the avenue’s Publik coffee shop, and we pause.]

This is my favorite Gorillaz song (ft. Little Dragon.

 Yeah, she’s half Japanese as well.

  Yeah, she’s like half Japanese, half Swedish. Quick side note?

: Yeah, side note.

 The very last communication I had with my grandma before she passed away was her commenting on this song after I posted it on Facebook, and so now whenever I hear this song, I can just hear her voice say how much she loves it too. 

Aw, that is so beautiful. This song is beautiful.

It really is.

That’s a cool side note because I was actually going to talk about my grandma on my Japanese side. There was a lot of panic around this album for me. Like, me not being about to finish it, not getting to that endpoint, or not having the money, and that kind of stuff. My O bāchan on my mom’s side, who lives in Japan, she’s like really old, and I just had this fear that I wouldn’t be able to share this with her or share this with other family members. I even had panic of like, what if I get in a car accident and never release Orbit Pluto? I just had so many fears about it. Being able to go to Japan and hand her that was like a dream of mine for so long. That was the funniest reaction, though, because I think she really was like…(silent laughter). I mean, she answered very affirming, but like seeing the shock in my family’s faces was just really funny. My grandpa was the same way. But, at the end of the day, that was a decision that I made for myself, and I needed it to be that. Even now, I look at the cover, and I’m very proud of it, but I also love making fun of my own stuff, too, like, why’s this bitch not wearing anything, like what the hell? Haha!

Well, to wrap up. When it comes to our community, do you have anything you’d like to say to them or any words of wisdom you’d like to share?

I mean, I still feel like I struggle so much with, especially my own confidence. I hold myself to impossible standards, and I think that it comes from conditioning and also comes from my culture and stuff. It also comes from imposter syndrome and being someone who is a person of color and queer. So, if I had any words, it’s what I try and tell myself too. I’m still trying to learn, but just you do deserve this. Even if you don’t feel like you have all the skills or all the equipment, or all the money to pay for all this stuff, if you have the passion for it, you do deserve that opportunity. Maybe something else I’m trying to internalize for myself too is if you don’t get an opportunity, or if you don’t get to play that lineup, try and not take that personally. There’s going to be people that don’t see your worth, and that doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy. Another thing that I’m trying to learn as well is, I think that there’s a lot of emphasis right now on like self-care and taking care of your mental health, and all of those things are super important. It’s still something I’m trying to pour a lot of energy and thoughtfulness into for myself. If you are an artist, or creator, with any kind of passion, I think if you can, on the days that you have some kind of energy, even if you don’t, just at least try and be gentle with yourself.

Marqueza’s music is available  on Spotify